Gaining Confidence to Set Boundaries

Like many women, I was groomed and conditioned to be a people-pleaser.

Taught to be perceived as “nice,” “easily accommodating,” and “easy to deal with,” I’ve since learned the harm of this kind of thinking. I’ve learned that my value is not in what I do, but in who I am, and because of this, I’ve learned to set better boundaries with those at work, in relationships, and within my family.

Setting boundaries is critical for maintaining healthy relationships and promoting personal well-being. Boundaries serve as guidelines that define the limits of acceptable behavior in relationships. By establishing clear boundaries, we can protect our physical, emotional, and mental health, ensuring that our needs and values are respected.

Boundaries also foster self-respect and self-awareness, empowering us to assert our needs and priorities without the fear of judgment or manipulation. Setting boundaries can enhance our communication in relationships because it promotes honesty and transparency about our preferences and limits.

Without boundaries, we will often feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or resentful, leading to conflicts and emotional distress. 

We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Setting boundaries includes so much more than verbal communication with others. A person who does not hold themself to the same standards they require from others is a person in conflict with themselves. Setting boundaries with ourselves and with others allows us to feel safe, loved, and protected.

Our nervous system has a way of alerting us when we’re feeling unsafe (this can look like anxiety or intrusive thoughts), so it’s important for us to learn our triggers and be aware of our feelings. Advocating for ourselves and enforcing our boundaries creates a standard of accountability.

I’ve learned that setting boundaries eliminates the dependence on people-pleasing behaviors that can create an environment for abuse, manipulation, and mistreatment. 

As a former people-pleaser, here are a few things I implemented on my healing journey to ensure a healthy recovery:

I avoided people attached to principles, belief systems, and ideologies that enabled them to avoid accountability. Both men and women need accountability in relationships. I personally believe that a person’s reaction to accountability tells us everything we need to know about them. Where there is accountability in a relationship—there is safety. No accountability—no safety. 

I became willing to have safe and honest confrontations with others. I believe disagreements are normal, but disrespect is not. Recovering people-pleasers tend to have a fear of confrontation when  boundaries have been crossed, but healthy communication is essential for the establishment of mutual respect. The practice of self-respect is a byproduct of self-love. Healthy confrontation and setting boundaries go hand-in-hand because confrontation reinforces a standard for accountability.

I had honest conversations with myself (“self-talk”). Therapists advocate for practices such as journaling to promote self-awareness and mental wellness. Personally, journaling helped me think through recurring problems, triggering situations, and emotionally difficult conversations. When I took the time to sit and think to myself, I found the answers to a lot of my problems intuitively.

I did more of the things that made me happy, and got comfortable with my healing process. Good things take time. I had to understand that the growth I was experiencing on my healing journey was going to be instrumental in producing the kind of life I envisioned for myself. 

I stopped sweating the small stuff. I learned to not allow distractions to overwhelm me, and instead shifted my focus toward achieving better goals. The human body has an interesting way of communicating to us when something is wrong. Taking the time to learn my body allowed me to trust its signals and make better decisions. 

"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none."  ― Anonymous