Mothering Myself on Mother's Day

Can I be honest? This Mother’s Day was hard for me.

Not because of the usual reasons—but because I found myself sitting in the middle of two very personal truths: grieving a close relationship I lost, and the quiet weight of choosing not to have children of my own.

I never expected that decision to hit me the way it did this year. I always thought I had made peace with it—until the stillness of this Mother’s Day brought up feelings I didn’t even know I was holding.

Loss has a way of doing that to you. It stirs up questions you thought were long buried.

This Mother’s Day made me reflect on the relationships that shaped me. And for a moment, I found myself wondering: Did I make the right choice not to become a mom?

It’s a sensitive topic, I know. One that’s often wrapped in shame, silence, or judgment. But I’m not afraid to talk about it—especially if it brings comfort or clarity to someone struggling with similar feelings of grief or guilt.

The truth is, I didn’t plan on having a child.
For a lot of reasons.
One of the biggest?
I didn’t want to pass down my trauma.

Even as a young girl, I knew motherhood wasn’t something I longed for. While other little girls played with baby dolls, pretending to be moms, I was busy building Lego houses and dressing up my Barbie dolls for work, freedom, and independence. I didn’t dream of play kitchens or strollers—I dreamed of careers, travel, and making my own choices without the weight of responsibility I didn’t ask for.

Some might call that selfish.

I call it wise.

Because bringing a child into this world is sacred. It’s not something I ever wanted to do out of pressure, fear, or loneliness. I knew deep down I wasn’t emotionally ready to parent a child—especially not while still healing from wounds I hadn’t even fully named yet.

And even though I know I would’ve loved a child deeply, I also knew love alone wasn’t enough if I couldn’t offer them stability, peace, and safety. That matters to me. Deeply.

So no—I never saw motherhood as my personal end goal. I never wanted to raise a child in a fractured home, or in an environment where they had to unlearn the pain I hadn’t fully processed. I wanted better for them… and if I couldn’t give that, then choosing not to have a child felt like a decision made from love.

And that’s what I want to name here:
This wasn’t a decision made from fear. It was a decision made from love.

I know this topic is layered and deeply personal. I’m not sharing this to shame anyone who chose differently or to make anyone feel guilty. I’m sharing it because as women, we carry so many unspoken stories—especially when it comes to motherhood.

And I believe we deserve safe spaces to be honest about those stories. To talk about the choices we’ve made—or didn’t make—and how they’ve shaped us.

So yeah, this Mother’s Day was tough.
I felt the grief. I let the tears come.
But I also gave myself permission to admit it was hard without making that mean something was wrong with me.

It was just one season.
One moment.
One day.

And I know it won’t feel like this forever.

If you’re struggling with the grief of losing a mother, mending a relationship with one, or navigating what it means to be a new mom—I hope this message finds you.

If this Mother’s Day was hard for you too, I feel you.
You’re not alone in that. Truly.

My hope in sharing this is that we, as women, continue creating space for honest conversations like this—ones that may hurt at first, but ultimately heal us in ways silence never could.